Where does my value come from?

Whether you are a man or a woman, I am sure that you have struggled with low self-esteem and emotional codependency at some point, so you will identify with me to some degree. When I began my life with Jesus, people kept telling me, “Your value does not come from what people say, your value comes from what God says about you,” and my psychologist told me, “Your value does not come from external factors, your value comes from within.” How could I reconcile these two statements? Were they both saying the same thing from two different perspectives, Theology and Psychology? In addition to reconciling them, it was difficult for me to understand how these phrases could change my life and the relationships I had, not only with my partner, but all the relationships around me. Many years later, that answer came. I had several romantic relationships that, after ending, taught me to love myself a little more, but there were still traces of low self-worth in my life, and I always repeated the same phrases I quoted above, but to no avail. One day, that answer came, and I want to tell you about it because just as it helped me, maybe it can help you too.

John 14:23 says, “Jesus replied, ‘Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and together we will live with them.’” This verse is key because it tells us that Jesus and the Father live in us. The fact that Jesus and the Father live within us supports the idea that our worth does not come from outside, but from within. This is because who we are essentially comes from what God says. Since we know that He lives inside us and that God's truth does not change, neither will our worth. The actions of others are indeed changeable. For many years, I felt unappreciated when a partner did not choose me, but little by little, I realized that if my value came from within, my worth would not depend on what that person either did or said. What that person did spoke more to that person's own value and self-esteem, but not to my self-esteem. The value I give myself is reflected in my actions and in what I allow that person to do, but not in their decisions.

When are we allowing our value to come from outside ourselves rather than from within? We are allowing this when we feel inferior because that partner did not choose us, when we feel inferior because that person does not give us the attention we think we need, when we feel less loved because that person disappointed us, or when we feel that there is no one left on the planet who can love us because we do not deserve a beautiful love story. If a person in a fit of rage crumples up a $100 bill and throws it on the ground, that act speaks to the person's behavior, but it does not condition the value of the bill because someone higher up has already given it the status of valuable (the central bank of each country already assigned the value to the bill). The same thing happens to us when we are “thrown away” by another person, because God has already called us beloved and worthy.

The actions of other people have nothing to do with the woman or man you are because your validation comes from the fact that you are created in God´s image, and this fact does not change at all. If you base your value on the actions of another person, you will be placing an unfair burden on them because, most likely, that person's actions are clouded by their own traumas and, very likely, low self-esteem. Someone told me, “The perception of self-esteem based on interactions with others can be a fragile way to organize your own,” and that clicked for me. You are still valuable even if that person does not choose you, because your value comes from what God has already said about you, and this never changes. Your value comes from before you were born, because even before the foundation of the world, God had already decided to give it to you, long before you made the mistakes you have mad. Your value is not conditioned by your actions or those of others. Your value as a person is a gift, and as it usually occurs, you do not pay anything for a gift, you just receive it. Furthermore, allowing someone as imperfect as ourselves to dictate our value carries a big risk, because even if that person behaves in a way that you consider good, one day they will fail and may not treat you as you wish, and then you will feel less than you are. On the other hand, your value does not come from your mistakes either. God took your imperfections into account before assigning you your value. Our value must be based on what Jesus says about us, because heaven and earth will pass away, but His Word will never pass (Matthew 24:35). If we base our value on solid ground, we show that we are wise because by heeding His Word, we will be building on the rock (Matthew 6:24), the most powerful foundation.

When someone betrays you, lies to you, or just plays with you, it doesn't show how much you're worth (remember the torn and crumpled bill), it shows how much they value themselves. When you recognize that your value doesn't change, even if you end up torn and crumpled like the $100 bill on the ground, you'll be able to recognize that you're still valuable. No one can give you the value that you don't give yourself; no one can give you the attention that you don't give yourself. So, the next time that message you're waiting for doesn't arrive, that person doesn't behave as you expect, and even worse, that person decides to be with someone else instead of you, and you feel torn and destroyed, remember that even so, you are still more valuable, as much or more than a $100 bill.

Isabel Cristina Ocampo Quiceno