It is not about you, it is all about grace

I must admit that as a single woman, one of the things that hurt me most was thinking that my future husband would come as a consequence of my performance. Ultimately, this meant that if I did more, I obtained more; consequently, anything I received would be due more to my ability to get things done than to what my God of grace and kindness could do despite my incapacity.

What I learned from this came after analyzing a thought: God satisfied all His wrath and need for justice in Jesus. There is nothing I can do to reach His standards, and this applies not only to salvation but to everything in life. God does not look at us through our imperfect righteousness, but through the eyes of His righteous Son, the One in whom He satisfied His entire desire for justice. This does not mean that God does not desire obedience from us—in fact, obedience is His love language (John 14:15)—what it means is that God no longer requires perfection in us because He already found it in Jesus. Salvation is meaningful not only because it can take you to heaven, but because it has redeemed you from sin on earth.

Marriage is not a prize we try to achieve through good behavior; if it were, the merit would be entirely ours. If marriage is in God’s plan for your life, it is an act of God’s mercy toward you—a God who has already satisfied His high standards in the Person of Jesus. It is true that we must strive to lead a worthy life with the help of the Holy Spirit and remain attached to the Vine (John 15:5), but that does not mean we will reach a point where God says, 'The work is finished, now I give you your prize.' As the Bible says, 'He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus' (Philippians 1:6), which means we will always be in continual sanctification. Without Christ, we will never have the character to sustain a marriage. Thinking you must reach a certain standard to get married is like thinking that once you do, you will no longer need Jesus because you achieved what you wanted by your own means. I must be honest with you: God’s plans for your life are so great and perfect that, sincerely, you do not have enough within yourself to meet them. I don't mean your value is low or that you are incapable, only that your vision is so limited and your nature so weak that there is no way to pay for or sustain a plan like the one only a merciful God can have for you. The main ingredient will always be grace.

We have many examples in the Bible of imperfect people who received their promise. Abraham and Sarah sinned by 'trying to help' God and, in the most irresponsible way, allowed Hagar to become pregnant. On the other hand, Jacob deceived his father and had to live in exile for many years. Do you think Mary, the mother of Jesus, at her mere 14 years of age, was sufficiently prepared to be the mother of the Messiah? Honestly, I don't think so; I believe she was sanctified through that very situation. 

These imperfect people, just like you and me, reached their promise. Be careful with this: I am not advocating for a reckless life that disregards obedience. Paul himself tells us in Romans 6:15, 'What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means!' What I am trying to say is that God’s promises do not rest on the shoulders of human beings full of imperfections; they rest on the shoulders of a God who cannot lie (yes, there is something God cannot do, and that is lie) and who is, above all, merciful. If you believe your spouse will come as a result of flawless performance, then by that same performance you will have to sustain your marriage.

Those who are married will agree with me: while there were character traits God worked on before that person arrived, a marriage will never, ever be sustained basically on the performance of both people. In other words, a marriage needs God's grace and mercy to move forward. I want to call your attention to what you read or hear: when you receive a teaching saying God hasn't given you a spouse because you have a hidden sin or because you are still lacking something, it isn't always about you. Every case is absolutely unique; God has a process for everyone and the causes are not the same for all. Sometimes it may be a matter of character, yes, but at other times it will be a matter of time and patience. Remember that a marriage is not just about you, your life, and your circumstances; it is also about the other person, their life, and their circumstances. Imagine having the pressure of having to align all those things just to be in a relationship. It is impossible for us.

But then, if it’s not about me but about Him—if I am being shaped on the Potter's wheel and He continues to remove what is wrong in me—why hasn't the promise arrived yet? I asked myself this many times, and it made me think one day about the first coming of Jesus. Could it be that the timing of Jesus' coming depended on Mary and Joseph being 'prepared' to receive their son? I believe God was indeed working on the character of both, but to reduce the coming of the Savior to what two imperfect people could do shows me a God lacking in love and mercy; it makes me think of a dictator instead. At the time of Jesus' coming, many prophecies were fulfilled (see Matthew 1 and 2). He had to come at a specific time in history, under specific political, religious, and social conditions, and Mary and Joseph had nothing to do with those; they were simply part of the same story God was writing. In conclusion, there was a perfect time from God for Jesus to come. And I believe the same happens with a spouse (and generally with everything in life): there is a set time for life's stages to fit perfectly with God’s plan for each person. Remember that your marriage is part of a larger plan where God is the primary author.

My final conclusion is that you should continue longing for that person you dream of, and that you may rest in the arms of a Father who delights in hearing His children's desires—one who knows our frame and remembers that we are dust (Psalm 103:14). Go with courage and bravery every day into His presence to tell Him how you feel, and rest in the truth that the Father who hears you is so merciful that He would never place upon you the heavy burden of giving you anything based solely on observing your performance.

Isabel Cristina Ocampo Quiceno