Trying to debunk myths about single life

As single people longing to get married, we go through different situations that challenge our faith and make us doubt whether we are doing the right thing or not. I am a 39-year-old woman who longs with all her heart to have her own family, and I must confess that at times I have felt guilty and ashamed for having this longing. I bet that this feeling is shared by both men and women, and for this reason, my intention is to bring a little peace to anyone who identifies with this feeling, regardless of whether they are male or female.

I have come across the idea that it is more acceptable to long for a house, a car, or a postgraduate degree than a husband, and the reason is that this longing is sometimes interpreted as desperation or as Jesus not being the center of my life.  Phrases such as “The day I stopped longing for my husband, that's when he came along,” “Examine yourself, perhaps there is a sin you have not yet confessed,” “You are not ready for that; if you were, God would have already sent you a husband,” “Devote yourself to serving the Lord and your husband will come” have been advice from some people close to me, and while they are not meant maliciously because they come from people who truly care about me, they have hurt me deeply. The reason is that, at the end of the day, all these reasons have nothing to do with God, His grace, power, and mercy, but rather with me and my efforts, and that puts an impossible burden on my shoulders. These phrases made me think at one point that having a husband had more to do with me and my performance than with God Himself, and for someone who struggles with perfectionism, that is a dagger in the chest, because in the end you conclude (wrongly) that if things are like this, you will not have what you long for because you obviously do not have what it takes. This time, I want to teach you what I learned from this situation. Maybe it will make sense to you, especially if you are a woman or man in your 30s who loves Jesus with all your heart.

In the first book of Samuel, we find the story of Hannah, a woman faithful to the Lord and wife of Elkanah, who longed with all her heart to be a mother. One day she went to the temple to pray for the child she longed for. The Bible says that “Hannah wept bitterly for that child” (1 Samuel 1:10). She had to endure Peninnah, Elkanah's other wife, mocking her for not having children, and also her husband, seeing her weeping, saying to her, “Why are you weeping? Is it because you have no children? Don't you have me? Am I not better than ten sons?” (1 Samuel 1:8). From my point of view, these two people dismissed Hannah's longing, and although this story is about the longing for a child, it is not far from the reality faced by those of us who long for a spouse. I have encountered people who have said to me, “Don't be sad, Jesus is enough,” as if that could bring sufficient comfort, and they think that the act of longing and crying at times is synonymous with Jesus not being the center of my life.  From Hannah's story, I want to point out a couple of things. The first is that she didn't care what others said; she poured out her life and prayers before God. God does not dismiss your desire or accuse you because you go before Him a thousand times, pour out your heart, cry, and groan because of the longing in your heart, no matter what others think. And pouring out your soul before Him will not cause God to think you are desperate and delay your blessing if marriage is in His plans. The Bible says in Psalm 103:14, “He understands our frame; He remembers that we are dust,” suggesting that God knows that sometimes faith will wane and that there are days when loneliness hits harder. No one but God will understand what you hold in your soul. God is your safe place. Psalm 34:18 says, “God is close to the brokenhearted.” The Bible also says in the first part of Proverbs 13:12 that hope deferred makes the heart sick. God is prepared to bear your frustration. And if you get frustrated, it doesn't mean that Jesus is no longer the center of your life; it just means that you are human.

Hannah's story reminds me that there is no safer place in the world than God's presence. No matter how many times you ask Him why, no matter how many times you express your dissatisfaction or impatience, all of this is necessary for God to continue refining your character. God uses all of this to shape your destiny. Besides, God created you and knows what you feel and think (Psalm 139). What do you gain by hiding from Him what you really feel if He already knows that you are frustrated, sad, and hopeless? Going into His presence and pouring out your life is an unmistakable sign that you are making Jesus the center of your life. Jesus himself expressed his frustration in Gethsemane and ultimately received comfort from the angels. Just like Him (and like me at the time), you will also receive comfort.

Another thing I have had to deal with is this: “Isabel, you are the grand prize. As a woman, you don't have to do anything. You have paid a very high price.” I think this statement is somewhat unfair to men because I know many who have also paid a very high price to be like Christ and long to have a woman of high value like themselves. But what bothers me most about this phrase is the idea that a woman or a man is a prize. We already have our greatest prize, and that is Jesus Christ. Ultimately, both sexes are being perfected to be like Him and enjoy eternity with Jesus. No one lives this life exclusively to get married someday. The Bible says in Philippians 3:14, “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” A person cannot become a trophy. And no one is greater than the other.

Men are conquerors by nature, and I confess that I would love a man who pursues and conquers me, but I also know that as a woman I have a responsibility. Doesn't the verse that says faith without work is dead also refer to this? I believe that this verse can also be perfectly applied to relationships. As women, we can do something; we have a responsibility to work on our spiritual, emotional, physical, and social areas. It's not all about prayer and fasting because we are not just spirits. For example, I suggest you consult a therapist through whom God can bring healing to your emotional area. You must expose yourself, socialize, and be friendly. Woman, it is unlikely that a man will come knocking on your door saying he is sent by God. Man, it is unlikely that a woman will go out with you if you don't take the risk of approaching her. I suggest you take care of your physical health. After a certain age, it is no longer a matter of aesthetics but of functionality. Having children in your 20s is not the same as having them in your 40s, so you need to strengthen your body and prepare yourself. That is also putting your faith into action.

My invitation to you is to not feel less spiritual because you long for it, nor to believe that if you long for it, it is because Jesus is not the center of your life. My husband has not yet arrived, and I continue to long with all my heart to have a family, but I believe that my life reflects that Jesus is the center. Be careful with the messages you allow into your life, especially from people who are not exactly role models for you. Guilt and shame have only one source, and that is the devil. Show God your dependence on Him daily by surrendering that dream to Him. If tears come, if at any moment you lose hope, don't feel guilty. You are not less spiritual because you long for something, even if others tell you otherwise. If that dream resonates in your heart, pray, prepare yourself. If you fall and lose hope, get back up. You are not falling behind; you are moving forward. Every day you are closer to achieving it if that is God's plan for your life.

Finally, I would like to make a special appeal to those who are married and sometimes speak so lightly (especially those who married very young) to try to be more empathetic with their single friends and not reduce their friends' frustration by simply saying, “God has not given you a spouse perhaps because He is not the center of your life.” Keep hoping and keep believing; you are closer than you think.

Isabel Cristina Ocampo Quiceno